A day between days

3:54 am, still awake.

I have just become aware of how many times I’ve started a post like that. The digits are always different, but the words following are always the same.

I took sleeping pills before lying down around 1:30 or so (1:30 because I woke up today at almost 6 pm, so it’s been hard to not feel awake past midnight) but they haven’t done anything yet, and it’s almost 4. So, instead of just laying around until the sun comes up, I’ve been listening to a book. Yes, listening because I haven’t the money to buy it yet. So, after burning a chapter at a time onto cd, I’ve been laying and listening to the author read it. I’ve found myself laughing out-loud numerous times, something rarely found in a book. It has also sparked my creative flow that I’ve been lacking for a number of months. I’ve actually opened-up a few stories that have been sitting on my hard drive for a year or so, tinkering with structure and ideas and attempting to get “back into” writing. I’ve found that, for me personally, learning about and researching authors is the greatest way to get “back into” the mindset of writing. It’s beautiful, it really is.

 

“Let me write the things I have to say, and then be silent until I need to speak. Let me say true things in a voice that’s true, and, with the truth in mind, let me write lies.”

-N.G.

How I wish

If I leave right now I could probably make it to school 5-10 mins late. I’ll have to walk into class after it’s started, find a new seat since mine will probably be taken, and painstakingly guess for the rest of the period what the many strangers in the class are thinking. I didn’t sleep last night. In fact, I haven’t slept well at all the last week or so. I was warned that being taken off of this medicine would cause feelings of hopelessness, of helplessness, and of simple yet important contemplations. Everything I was warned about has come and brought along many friends. So I am not going to school for two reasons: Firstly, I will most likely get into a car accident, which is only bad because that’s not how I imagined myself going out. And second, because there is absolutely no point in doing so. As I’ve told my counselor, I find it hard to attach any meaning to school, or anything else. I told him that when looking ahead and seeing myself with a degree or some other form of accomplishment, I find it hard to be convinced of its significance. I told him that it’s hard for me to imagine a future because my first thought is always, “I’m not going to be around long enough for that anyway.” Lying in bed all night last night that was my thought, that is what is always on my mind. And you say to do it anyway, you’re so close. And I say…

What’s the point?

Right now, upon typing that, I wonder how many people read that and think that I’m not serious, or how I’m not really going to do that. And that’s fine. I’ve been getting this question a lot lately, “So, are you doing better? You seem like you are, you’re laughing and everything.” There is no surer sign of a lack of understanding than a statement like this. And it’s not wrong to ask that question for to feel right in such an assumption, but what is wrong is the observation. Before someone ends their life the person sometimes appears happier than usual, do you know why that is? My friend “appeared” happy before he did it, leading everyone to believe that he was as good as ever. Well, here’s something you didn’t know: when a person is struggling they are miserable and will appear miserable, but when they come to a decision about what to do they are suddenly happy. Think of the hardest problem you’ve ever faced, remember a time when you weren’t sure what to do. Then remember the feeling you had when you finally figured out how to solve your problem; you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel better. The weight was lifted, you could smile again. Well, it’s the same thing. When someone is deciding on whether it would be better or worse to be dead they come to such a place. They have come to a crossroads and made their choice, the best choice they know how to make, and also their last. Imagine the feeling of fighting between two ideas and then suddenly seeing one as the best possible decision.

That is why they smile. That is why people always claim, “He seemed so happy.” Yes, it is more than simple emotion; it has to be when it comes to this. If the person can’t even understand their own emotions then how in the world will you?

So the question: “Am I doing better?”

 

What do your emotions tell you?

 

Moving. Again. I do this more than anyone else I know, and I hate it. It’s always stressful, it’s always a burden. And not just the act of moving, it’s everything else that comes with it. The pressure to get a job, to do more than I feel I’m able to. Here is the impression I am getting:

“It’s been a whole year Clint, couldn’t you just get a little job? Maybe 20 hours a week or so would be fine. You don’t really seem to be doing much, you just sit in your room and barely make it to school sometimes. You look like you’re doing better, maybe now is a good time.”

Just because I don’t cry on shoulders or initiate conversations about myself does not mean that I am alright. You people are thinking in terms that are too black and white. The reason I don’t ever talk about these things? I have a few, but one is enough and is sure to keep me out of trouble.

You’re not going to understand and you’re not going to try hard enough to. It will be frustrating for you; you will say that you don’t know what to do or that you wish you could make it better. Your kind sentiments are very nice, but they can’t change chemical imbalances. You can’t heal the past and its scars, you can’t take back the things you’ve done or said, you can’t be there for me the way nature intended. And because of these things my lips remain sealed, my eyes will hide truths. That is the way of things. I wish I had the chance to speak without hearing a barrage of negativity; a competition of who has more problems, most being considerably trivial. But I cannot, and nothing in the world can change that. One noise, one reminder is enough.

I had my final appointment with my Psychiatrist; final because he has referred me to the top Psychiatrist in Wooster due to him being, and I quote, “baffled about what to do next.” Now is possibly the time that I feel the craziest. It takes more than one Psychiatrist to treat me, how sad is that? I spoke with Larry the other day and he said that he found some medicine early on that saved his life. He said he is no longer depressed…I was jealous, I still am. It makes me feel so far removed, so untreatable. That I am supposed to be this way and nothing will change it.

I am afraid to continue living with other people and yet I am afraid of living alone. Either way, I will feel something that I don’t want to feel. Obligation, everywhere I turn. Such is life, right? “That’s the way the world works. Better get used to it, you’ll be doing this for the rest of your life.” They should hand out guns to children and tell them that in school, it might save a lot of kids from growing up in a terrible world.

 

 

I leave you with the most positive thing about my day so far.

“Sometimes I don’t understand
Why I was born at all
When all that I do leaves me empty
Aching and longing for more
Sometimes I feel I could stand
Man, I feel like I’m ten feet tall
But then it’s like I’m on trial and I’m guilty
I don’t know exactly what for.”

No guarantees

I’m mildly-tolerant of some things (I won’t lie and say I see everyone and everything equally) but there is a definite line that I draw. Take for instance this person’s view on depression and its relation to religion:

“God has nothing to do with depression, you inherited depression and all other physical ailments when Adam disobeyed God and became imperfect, that’s when sickness, death, etc. started, it was God’s purpose for Adam and Eve to live forever and their offspring on Earth without all the problems we have today.

That is why Jesus is coming back, he is going to rid the earth of all bad things and then bring about his Father’s purpose for the Earth.”

 

So does that mean that depressed people are “bad” and that God will one day rid the Earth of their scourge? Here’s two more, if only for giggles:

 

“God allows depresion so we will be more closer to him.”

 

…We will be more closer to him…? It’s okay that they spelled depression wrong, simple mistake. But…hmmm…I…

 

And my favorite; it seems these people who read the Bible everyday aren’t doing much reading after all.

 

“god dose allow it to some what of a reason. but in the long run just pray and ceap your self for him and you will make it throw it ok just remember god also gave some people the nolig to help you so you should talk to someone about your depression you know.”

 

If there is anything that makes me feel better, its little reminders like these, reminders that I am lucky to not be stupid. Btw, I think “nolig” is supposed to be knowledge, but I’m not certain. If you think about it it’s kind of ironic that they misspelled it. But if you think about it for too long…your head will explode.

What is truly sad about all of this is that I am trying to put myself in a better mood. Not having a good day results in me looking up the stupid things people say and do. So I am feeding, not off of the misery, but the stupidity of the human race.

 

There is no reason for this post. Maybe I should have let you know that at the beginning.

I am ever strong against the all-knowing

The new medicine is affecting me in strange ways; I feel numb, I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. The last few days my mood has been “stable”, a rather grim term for emotional well-being, but today is almost like everything that is already wrong chemically is in flux. I woke up feeling a little sick this morning, a headache and an overall sick feeling in my body. I got to school and was okay for the first 5 mins or so and then my anxiety started to kick in more than ever. My hand started shaking when I took a drink of my Life Water (the kind that is supposed to calm you down, no less) and I felt extremely uncomfortable just sitting in that room. My Social Anxiety, SA from now on, was hightened instantly; proof that this medcine I’ve been on for longer than I can remember (memory, I’ll get to that soon) isn’t working. It’s only adding to everything that is overwhelming. Also the new medicine is hurting my kidneys and, after researching, I found out that it can cause kidney issues and constant thyroid problems. It can also cause long-term memory and concentration loss, something that I’ve already seen the onset of. I can’t remember much after its happened; I’ll forget entire mornings, not knowing when or how I got where I am. School assignments are more difficult than ever since I can retain much information for too long. So, my depression and anxiety causes lack of concentration and subsequently causes my grades to decline. While that is happening, my medication, all of it has this effect, is causing me to lose even more concentration…sebsequently causing even lower grades. I am being completely honest when I say that every medication I am taking has side-effects that hinder concentration, focus, and memory.

ECT doesn’t sound so bad; I’m pretty much experiencing the same thing, it’s just more stretched out. But I will always refuse to have electric currents shot through my brain, that is something I will never accept.

So I stopped at the gas station and bought some overpriced Advil (almost $3 for 4 pills!) I then thought about if someone I knew were to offer me the same amount of pills for the same price outside of a store, I would laugh in his face

…But, I bought them anyway.

I told the cashier, Pam, that I hope she has a really good day. Eveidentally, she goes to the counseling center as well. It’s always the cheerful, most seemingly optimistic people who are the saddest. Misery teaches us to put on faces that are not our own; we wear smiles that fade when no one else is looking. And everyone else wishes they could smile like us.

Big test in math today, I should be studying for it right now but I can’t “will” myself to do it. I fear that going over the material won’t help, I won’t be able to retain any of it. I also have a Philosophy paper to turn in today. I’m thinking of just leaving it on the teacher’s desk before class and then leaving, I doubt I’ll be feeling much better.

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“Take me away to the quiet place
Where the doors of perception open wide
Smiling faces greet me there
Loved and lost, lost inside

Take me away to the netherworld
Where we dance in the waves, the universe shines
The place that holds my beautiful dream

When I awake, I look to the sky
And pray that I will live forever
The sorrowed man will not be me

Today I’ll change my life forever
For what I’ve seen must surely be

Fly me away on the wings of a dove
To the temple of knowledge we can fly
Smiling inside, peace so clear
One with the all, one within mind

Fly me away to a better world
Where there’s no more war and can be no shame
The place that holds the great mystery

When I awake, I look to the sky
And pray that I will live forever
The sorrowed man will not be me
Today I’ll change my life forever
For what I’ve seen must surely be

Here I am, body and soul
Flesh and blood, on this stage I play my role
No, there’s no time left for gazing at the sky
No, there’s no time left, kiss the wind goodbye

The sorrowed man will not be me
Today I’ll change my life forever
For what I’ve seen must surely be
In the eyes of the sorrowed man.”

 

- W.D.

Look within to calm the storm

To sum-up Friday’s rather…disorganized post.

We all have our so-called “breaking points.” And on the worst of days, perhaps the worst of all times, we see things in black and white; a dangerous, but also accomplishing, sort of system. Yes, it can cause problems to speak your mind, if only due to hurting other people’s feelings, but that does not mean those things should not be said. At the expense of someone else’s tears, I am willing to speak my mind if I believe what I am speaking is right; it only makes sense for me to do so. If not content, then why suffer at someone else’s hand? This usually happens indirectly; the person causing the emotional pain and discomfort is hardly ever aware they are doing it. Call it what you will; a knock back into reality or a slap in the face, it matters not. What matters is that my refusal, my indignation, to endure something unneeded and unwanted is more important than another’s hurt feelings; but only if my actions and words are justified by that person’s behavior. I am allowed to write words on a page for all the world to see, and I am allowed to voice my frustration and anger; I’ll not be denied peace of mind by apprehension of spirit.

“We all grieve in different ways.” Something heard, sadly, through your entire life. That being said, I don’t believe that people ever take into account what those words mean at the right moments. They see it as a phrase; not a state of mind, not a belief. The most common way to grieve is in the company of others, surrounded by the warmth and love of their comforting words. Fantastic, I hope they feel better. But I’m different, as if that needed challenged. Sitting alone in the confines of my own room without disturbance is my way of grieving. Not speaking about anything related to it is my way of grieving. The only thing that I feel I need to apologize for about my previous post is the fact that you had no way of knowing how I handle these things. Maybe if you looked a little deeper and thought about it you might have discovered a difference beforehand, but I can’t blame you for not knowing. Bombarding me, practically breaking into my room, on a day like that was what ruined an otherwise beautiful day for me. I woke up that morning and, for four entire hours, I was happier than I had been in the last four months. And you know why? Because I discovered that every day since November of last year I have thought about it. I have consumed myself, my every thought, with my emotional response to it. It has truly eaten me alive. But for one day, just one single moment, I allowed myself to not grieve. I allowed myself to have a beautiful day, because I am on the road to acceptance; and what I accept, I accept alone. That day, for many reasons, was the break in a rain that has lasted an entire year. Most people view the anniversary as the worst day, the reminder; I decided when I woke up that morning that every other day had been my reminder, why should this one be too? Why can’t I let a day pass without rain? And above all else, why can’t it be that day?

There are no rules in this, no secret language and no instructions. These are words on a website, that is all. Whether you accept them or not is entirely up to you. But know that they are truth, if only from my perspective. I started this page in hopes of opening others to an otherwise unknowable topic, something always left unobserved and alone by both myself and others; my emotions. So when finally the words start appearing on a page I would hope that they would not be taken lightly or handled and responded to immaturely. No attacks have ever been made here, no offenses meant. If you have been hurt, your interpretation is all that has hurt you.

 

 

“And half of his blood runs like mine, kindred spirit to me
But the gleam in his eyes remind me of the one who is gone forever.

Now that this night has turned into dawn
I step aside from this path of grieving
Left with all these things I never had a chance to say
Words wishful, filled with caring

You must stop your bleeding
Before you run yourself dry
You must let go of your wound
Because the love it is crying for is gone

As every breaking day fades away before the dusk
So does hate pause and resentment turn to reason

Now it is your time to straighten up, time for you to walk tall.”

How is your life today?

Missed two doses of my medicine today. And for two reasons.

1. I wanted to sleep-in
2. I forgot that I can’t ever sleep-in because I have to take medication at 8am every morning

 

For all the oblivious:

I can’t take any headache/cold medicine because they will either induce a panic attack or death, and because none of them work anyway. I also can’t have any caffeine to get rid of my headaches or help me wake up because two of the medications explicitly state to avoid it due to the first two reasons above. I can’t stand up too fast or I’ll get extremely dizzy and, at times, nauseous. It feels like I can’t eat anything. I feel like a test subject, a lab rat. I have never had such a hard time getting to sleep and, when I finally do, I either sleep too long and miss taking my medication or have to wake up in only a couple hours to take my medication. I feel extremely groggy and weak the entire day due to my sleeping medicine. My heart seems to race at all hours due to anxiety, even just laying in bed attempting to rest. When I tell someone I need to do something, it’s never received well and often times the person takes offense. I am taking medicines that I’ve only heard about in relation to drug addicts. I feel like a pill-popper. I don’t want to “give” medicine to other people when theirs run out. I wish I could just empty myself of everything. I want to stop counseling and all forms of doctoring due to desperation because they are not helping; I feel they are only making things worse. The things I used to enjoy and help me get my mind off things I no longer love; there is no passion for anything…no passion for anything in life. I’m thinking about just quitting school; it’s too overwhelming and I’ve already missed so much it will be immensely difficult to catch up, my grades are also in a definite decline.

And the fact alone that I had to say medication/medicine so many times in the above paragraph saddens me.

 

I was told yesterday, by my counselor, that the majority of people who come to counseling are just trying to get on medical disability. Another large part of people in counseling show no motivation in “wanting” to get better. But I DO want to get better, more than anything in this entire world, and I CAN’T!

The world’s such an ugly place. It seems useless trying.

I want everything to be different, but it never will be.

 

 

So, am I having a bad day you ask?

 

All of this typing means nothing.

 

 

So if I do something that you don’t like today…you’ll just have to blame it on nature, because I have no control over it.

Right now I don’t want to see the outside world. I don’t want to step foot outside the threshold of my room. I don’t want to see the sky. I don’t want to keep my eyes open for too long, I know I won’t like what I see. I want to crawl into a small, dark cave in the middle of nowhere and just wither away… somewhere the walls aren’t painted green. Somewhere I don’t have to cover the heating vents in my room because of smoke inhalation, or put a blanket at the bottom of my door for the same reason. Somewhere that has a bright neon sign at the entrance that says “Do Not Disturb!”

 

I don’t want anyone knocking at my door! If it’s locked, don’t try to open it after knocking! It’s locked for a reason.

No, I’m not in here slitting my wrists or overdosing…I just want to be left alone.

LEAVE! ME! ALONE!

 

I wanted to be left alone yesterday and I didn’t get it. Of all days…For me, all of the comforting in the world did nothing but make it worse. I woke up in a great mood, something you can’t understand and something that NEVER happens. I wrote that I knew you wouldn’t understand because I knew
you wouldn’t understand. I asked for trust.

The only person who has ever made me feel better about the situation is myself.

 

Then I was asked, “Why aren’t you up-and-about? Are you just gonna lay in there all day?!”

Excuse me if I don’t need the world’s shoulder to cry on. I’m sorry that I don’t need to feel connected with people when I’m feeling sad. I apologize for not being a social butterfly.

And now I know for a fact that there is one person who absolutely does not read this; if they did, they wouldn’t have made the same mistake twice.

 

One more knock at my door followed by, “Hey Clint, come here! Why is your door locked? What are you doing?” and I might just break through my window.

 

If you are still wondering what’s wrong or what happened today that was so bad, re-read everything above again.

 

If I didn’t talk to you yesterday, or if I did talk to you but told you how I feel, then this post is not directed towards you in any way. Maybe you knew that, in some way, things would be better off left alone. I’m not sure, but you did the right thing. Thank you.

Your comfort…

…I don’t need it today.

Your good intent is acknowledged, but it is not what I need.

.

I don’t expect you to understand, I only expect your trust.

Published…sort of

A literary E-Zine. I may have spoken of it on here in the past. They found me on Writer’s Cafe and asked me to submit some of my work, so I did. The publisher just sent me an e-mail regarding my submissions and informed me the issue has been completed and will be released sometime tomorrow.

They sent me an advance copy. So, considering it’s almost “tomorrow” anyway, and the only people who really read this thing are people that I know personally, I don’t think it would do much harm to upload it here.

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Two stories – Pages 20 & 29

I also got my name on the front cover

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Click the link, then click the small picture – Forever Nocturne October 2008

No way out of here…

I can’t do it. I can’t do anything…I’m falling behind in school, I’m an emotional wreck, I can’t even fake a smile anymore. I wish…I wish for a lot of things.

Each “down” is worse than the last, and yet this feeling is unchanging. It’s constant, it’s always with me. I’ll never be rid of it…It’s the only way I know how to feel. I can’t fix it!

I’m doing the best I can but it’s not even good enough to survive…

Why am I here? Why do I play this twisted little role? Why am I sick, why not another? I don’t want this, I never wanted this…

Come crash into me…

3:54 am. Went to bed early, around 8 or so I think, but woke up as soon as the house started to get noisier. So, I’ve been up since around 9 or so and will be until I get back from school.

I’ve felt like I’m having a panic attack all night, I’m completely on edge. I don’t know why…just overwhelmed by every little thought I have. There’s so much to worry about.

I’m starting to feel like I’m literally going crazy.

I am finding that I have to constantly be doing something that distracts me from thinking. I couldn’t lay still in bed after waking up; I had to watch tv, then I had to listen to music, then more tv, more music, then on the computer, then back to bed and more music…etc.

I finally decided to just stay up and sit here until it’s time for a shower…I have 2 ½ more hours to keep from thinking…

…about everything.

No one has any idea what this is like…that alone makes it unbearable. Only the people in the books I read claim to know, but they’re nothing more than words on a page.

Then again, isn’t that all I am right now? Typing all the time, opening myself…words on a page.

That’s all I am…

It’s now 5:22 am. I spent an hour looking around for the obligatory lyrics to put at the bottom of the post. Hopefully they’re read. If not, oh well…I was occupied I suppose.

“Where are you going

With your long face pulling down?

Don’t hide away like an ocean

But you can’t see, but you can smell

And the sound of waves crash down

Are you looking for answers

To questions under the stars?

If along the way you are growing weary,

You can rest with me until a brighter day

It’s okay, you’re okay

Crazy as I make,

Make my way through this world

Oh, it’s for no one but me to say

What direction I should turn in now

Strange, but it seems

That there’s a mutiny brewing inside of me now

I don’t want your pity

Just the promise that I’ll be alright

Oh, I know I’m a dreamer

Still think it’s strange?

I won’t be here for long

Oh, I know that I feel

Oh, wait and go again, again

Only the promise that I’ll be okay now

Why should I be hypnotized,

By the promise of a long life?

Why should I hold hope,

In tiny, tiny dribbles that glide by?

Why should I lean on everything…upon

I won’t be here long…

Oh, I know I’m a dreamer

Still seems a truth

But, I’ll be okay after all

Lying on the roof

Counting the suns that fill the sky

I wonder,

Is someone in the heavens looking back down on me?

I’ll never know

So much space to believe

Don’t lose the dreams inside your head

they’ll only be there ’til you’re dead

Dream…

Oh, fall down

It won’t be so long now

Out of the darkness

Comes light like a flash

You think you can, you think you can

Sometimes that is the problem

Dream little darling, dream

Spinning on the wind

The leaf fell from the limb

And everyday should be a good day to die

Oh, fall down

It won’t be too long now

Every fire dies out

I find it hard to explain

How I got here

I think I can, I think I can

Then again, I will falter

Dream, I think I can

Get me out of my head while I’ve still got the courage

But oh god,

Under the weight of life

Things seem brighter on the other side

Things seem so much better on the other side

Rain in my dreams…

No way

No way out of here.”