It’s getting harder to make posts. This always happens, and always leads to a very empty couple of months as far as entries are concerned. My moods move in strange waves that can leave me feeling delighted or hopeful, or empty with no reason to do much more than breathe…and sometimes…
I’m getting increasingly nervous around people; possibly due to the school situation. Already it is expected of me to talk and join discussions, to give presentations. That word, “presentation”, is the most horrible word in the English language and one I have always hated hearing. The first day opf school is focused around that idea; whether or not this class requires a presentation. My ethics class does, and I’ve already decided to skip class every time I would have the chance to speak. It’s called avoidant personality, and I certainly have one.
Last night I let a complete stranger bust into my house after handing me a bottle of dish soap. He was a salesman, and I didn’t have the courage to tell him no. I didn’t know what to do. For most people on Earth, they would have no problem telling him that they weren’t interested and ending it there…I hope I learn from my mistake, if such a thing ever happens again.
To feel weak socially is probably one of the worst feelings ever. Considering you can’t go a day without being somewhat social, picking up a phone is a good one, you have to have thick skin to not feel like cowering in the corner everyday.
I think I know why I am always so tired: I am emotionally drained everyday of my life because I have to go places and be around people and am expected to talk to them. I thought about being a complete mute while at school. Just staring at people when they ask me things so I don’t worry about my delivery, or my posture, or my awkward movements. “What if I stutter? What if I laugh when I shouldn’t?”
I have answered questions with answers that have nothing to do with them just because I was nervous. Imagine being on the receiving end of that.
