Sleeping pill at 10pm. Awoke at 12am. Laid awake until about two. And after those two hours decided to get up and do something other than lay and not sleep. Got a bite to eat, watched something silly on tv, something that wasn’t enough to excite my brain and further keep me from sleep, and then lay back down to bed. I continued lying for almost another hour, and then got up. It’s 4am now and I don’t believe I’ll be getting any sleep before school. I need to be up by 6. I don’t think that will be a problem.
I feel awake enough, obviously, to be in class, but I’m not sure if that feeling will last. I’m thinking of getting coffee before we head to Orrville, but it might make me feel worse and jittery. Plus, I need to stay away from all other liquids besides water; my medicine tells me to do so.
I have an intense feeling to start writing, but that great feeling is made not so great since my head is a blank sheet of paper that goes in and out of focus. I have this almost manic-like sensation that whatever I put to paper will be worth keeping but I just can’t do it. There are no words to write. How can I write if my head won’t give me any words!? Along those lines, as previously stated in my last entry, I am fearful of my own words. I think it is mainly a confidence issue, or perhaps entirely a confidence issue, since I feel almost sick when I look over my work. It’s true, I feel slightly disgusted when I read the poems and stories I’ve written; like they don’t match up to what should even exist in this world. Like I am a laughingstock to myself; my own one-man audience/critic. Maybe that sounds harsh, but that’s how I feel at times. I was just looking up writing phobias, to see if any actually exist or if it’s just me being strange, and didn’t really find much. Everything I looked at touched on procrastination more than anything; which I know is another problem I have. But to be afraid to look at the words you type; that’s odd. This post, for instance, will be edited 5-10 times because I have OCD-like issues when it comes to writing. I’ll save it, then publish it, then look at it on the actual webpage (the one you are looking at right now) and then find something to change. I’ll change it. It could be a tiny error that no one but me would ever notice, but it will need to be fixed. Then I’ll re-publish it online. 5-10 times, mind you. And after all that, I will never read these words again because I am terrified and afraid and shameful to look at them.
This isn’t healthy. It makes sense though; anything you love in life will always be the hardest to achieve and will always have the most obstacles to overcome.
The candles I lit earlier are beginning to die away; I didn’t want a bright light on keeping me up or drawing unwanted attention. So now I must decide if I will be able to lay down for an hour and a half before the alarm starts to sound. I’m also wondering if by actually getting to sleep now is worth it: will I actually be more tired if I sleep now than if I just stay up? If I reach a deep enough sleep in such a short amount of time I’ll probably feel worse and then need the coffee, and then that will result in me feeling really crappy and sleeping the entire evening after school, which will then result in me not being able to sleep tomorrow night.
…yeah…I don’t know…
