Although it isn’t possible to pin-point the cause, it is possible to narrow it down. But that narrowing only goes so far. It offers no hope for the cure, no reason for the pain. It tells no secrets to aid you in your struggle. This place is your head, and within it is the cause for your misery. Inside are the reasons you cannot sleep, the reason for knowing you should eat but forgetting to, the reason for sitting still and staring at nothing while trying to comprehend it. Inside that shell is the reason for hopelessness, the reason for no motivation. The emptiness, the frustration, the wanting to die. And inside that place are the words that you cannot express to others who have life so much better. If only they could feel this for one moment, that is all it would take for them to look and understand why you can never sleep at night and why you always get so let-down by the smallest things. Everything turns into a big deal. The idea of not existing becomes so tempting that you can almost feel it. It lays next to you in bed every night, whispering temptation into your ear, convincing you to walk away from the shambles. It’s there when you get out of bed after laying awake all night, it’s there when you shower and get dressed, when you comb your hair, when you are on your way to school, it sits right next to you in all of your classes, it keeps your attention so that the important things can’t. When you walk alone through the hallways filled with people it is holding your hand, each step it increases its grip. It grows and burrows deeper with each breath exhaled. It attacks your body and makes it useless, makes every task feel like running a marathon and keeping you from leaving your house. It steals your gaze so that you cannot keep your mind off it, reading is impossible. It accentuates every miserable aspect of your life, it rips apart good moments and replaces them with pointlessness and unarguable shame. The past is void, the future is bleak. It teaches you to feel nothing yet everything, it teaches you a new way to live and see the world, and it teaches you how to die.
And the only time you are allowed to dream is when you are trapped in a haze after a long, restless night of tears and contemplation.
