Become The Catalyst

7 am. Sitting here, blowing my nose every 20 seconds or so, (no exaggeration) wondering why I’m being neglected by sleep. Possibility: I decided to not take Xanax last night because it affects my focus and concentration during the day; so much that I fail to communicate properly and am so “zoned out” that I have trouble even thinking of simple things. So, after planning an entire day out of town to get away from “my world” this evening, I will be wandering, sleep deprived, through a day that I could really use to put me at ease. It will still be enjoyable though, if only due to not being at home. I also have to type that report up tonight since its due tomorrow morning…but I have no level of attentiveness that will truly allow me.

I decided to take the Xanax around 4 am, so three hours ago, just to get some sleep even if it makes me feel like crap during the day…but here I sit…still awake…still…here

I made an appointment with some big-shot at the college to talk about why I’ve been missing so much school. I have no idea what to say, no idea how to begin. I don’t know how much is too much, how much is not enough. I’m not even sure if I should really care…maybe I don’t and I’m just fooling myself.

How do I get my point across?

Too much to bear…and not a soul can help me with my burden. Medication can’t, therapy can’t. I’ve been considering stopping everything and just trying to survive that way, empty of drugs that have coursed through my veins for over three years now. I’d rather die feeling somewhat alive rather than leave feeling nothing at all.

Its getting closer…at least I have that weekend off of school; I would absolutely skip all classes; I had already planned on it if I had them the first few days.

NOTE: If you have nothing positive to offer during the next two weeks, simply don’t talk to me. If you have nothing else to do but attempt to make me share your problems, then I’ll be gone the entire time and you’ll have to entertain yourself with your own misery.

Dry your own eyes, I can’t sympathize. Plague your own dreams, I won’t be following.

I need to leave this place; I’m no longer afraid to voice myself, I need to leave. Maybe that will be the medication that actually works for me…

I read some very insightful thoughts today from someone who suffers from depression, they really spoke true. They probably won’t do anything for you, but they have for me:

Depression/Anxiety

“The answer to success is rest. This is not as easy as it sounds because the people around you have an attitude of, “Why are you in bed at two in the afternoon?” This brings on feelings of failure and laziness. I would go so far as to say it brings about notions of worthlessness as well; causing misery and confusion. It takes much work to put yourself back on track and the only way to do this is to turn your back on those who make you feel bad about yourself, even at the loss of friendship or family abandon; you need time to reclaim your strength of will and independence. I don’t believe that depression ever leaves you completely, but you can go a long way to recovery by taking charge of your decision-making ability…your very life.
Don’t be everything to all people…Be everything to yourself.

As far as I’m concerned if you suffer with depression/anxiety…you are an expert on the subject.”

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My box of 97 cent tissues is nearing its end, and with it my nose grows more and more red. You’d think I’d eventually run out of snot and mucus, but that’s not the case.

I hope everyone else had a good night, I certainly didn’t.

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“And now destined to be
The last one standing here
The past alive to me
And mocking hope, all I have

In weakness it hides from me
And then it infiltrates my heart

So wrong to think I had found
It was so long since I felt that at all
I had dreamed long in days without
I had so long wanted something much more

I may never get away

And still I leave behind
This wreckage in my wake
I was not long inside
But still savor the taste

I’d rather hate myself for failing
Than hate myself for never having tried
Nothing will fill me
The way these passions do
The feeling tempts me and warms me

And I am still my own
And I can’t be made less.”

Just a fool’s hope remains…