Another night that passes slowly by. My eyes refusing to stay firmly shut, never closing long enough to let me drift away. Sleep, indeed, is only an illusion.
I must have a medical resistance like that of an Atom Bomb to a cockroach, nothing puts me to sleep. I’ve tried it all: a nice hot shower before bed, a cup of night-time tea, exercising in the morning so I feel exhausted at night, etc. The one thing that worked, although only once or twice, was a meditative breathing exercise where I was guided to sleep by a soft, soothing voice. About the third time I tried it nothing happened, so I feel disheartened. Perhaps I should continue to pursue options like this a little more.
I want to read, I miss it. I have so many books, and check out even more at the library, but never read them. I might skim through a couple, read an introduction or two, but lately I haven’t been able to keep with it. I believe that my main problem is that I feel most like reading during the afternoon/evening hours but I never allow myself, I’m always trying to keep myself occupied with other things. Maybe I should start making it a routine that I read. Hmm, maybe “routine” isn’t the best word of choice, that makes it sound like work. I want to make it a habit, yes that sounds nicer, that I read everyday. The previous post included a quote from Guillermo del Toro about reading a book everyday when he was younger. I want to do that! I know it would be impossible to accomplish that now, what with attentiveness issues and such, but it would be a fine goal to set for myself. I can imagine myself feeling overall better about life just from reading more; it makes me feel productive, alive, educated, and mentally healthier. So why am I not doing it!?
Good question…
I’ve just found out that almost every person in the world makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable. And not just because I’m a naturally shy person but because it’s clinical.
1:22 am. I thought I could just whip this entry out of thin air and start to feel the courage to try getting to sleep. I was wrong. So here I sit with nothing to write about but, somehow, giving you something to read.
Have you ever been in the mood where nothing sounds good to you? And I’m not talking as in what food to eat or what movie to watch, I’m talking about every single thing in life. I can’t decide which music I want to listen to, I keep switching songs and artists but never feel like I’ve made the right selection for my mood. For dinner I had absolutely no idea what I wanted but was absolutely starving. I often sit in my room and just think about what I want to do but nothing comes to mind, nothing at all. I love guitar but hardly ever feel the urge to play it. I love writing, with my entire being, but am never able to accomplish a creative piece. So what do I do, you ask? I ponder some more and realize that I don’t even want to think, even that doesn’t sound good. I lay down in my bed to clear my head but I find that I am painfully uncomfortable no matter how I lay. I’ve also started doing this weird thing where I focus too much on how my top and bottom teeth touch together while I am trying to get to sleep, it’s maddening because I can’t find the right pressure to put on them to stay relaxed and take the attention off of it. I have also developed a strange uncomfortable feeling when I notice the collar of my shirt touching my neck. It causes me to jerk and strain my neck muscles away from the cloth in an effort to feel more comfortable but it never works. I can’t wear necklaces for that same reason. I can’t wear a watch or a bracelet when I’m inside my house, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sound weird? It is, and I have no idea why I am doing it.
It’s like my mind is racing too fast for it to decide on something to do, I’m in a mental whirlwind almost 24 hours a day. It’s messing with me. I am forgetting things because my head is somewhere else completely. Today I called the Doctor’s office to reschedule an appointment and was so nervous to talk to the receptionist that I forgot to hit “talk” after typing in the number. I ended up sitting there for a few seconds wondering why it wasn’t ringing. Things like this are happening more often. When I type I leave letters out of words sometimes. It’s only after looking back that I realize I forgot the “i” in write or the “g” in dreaming. And it’s not because I am typing too fast, this happens when I write as well. I just filled out a job application for the library and completely butchered the paper with mistakes and crossed-out words. It’s affecting me more and more often, it’s scary. (I just wanted to add that after I wrote this blog I went through and edited it, thus the words you are currently reading, and noticed no mistakes. The reason I say this is because, although I found no mistakes, I still re-read the entire thing at least 4 times just to double check…OCD, anyone?”…But at least I’m not as bad as the people who have to spin around 12 times and sing Mary Had A Little Lamb while jumping rope and rubbing the door knob every time they exit a room.)
I am positive that all of these things have to do with anxiety, I’m just fearful, for some unknown reason, that I won’t be able to get help for it. I am afraid to talk with my doctor and tell him these things due to him reacting differently than I would like. I’m afraid to hear the phrase, “It just sounds like you’re feeling this way due to depression, not any outside or unconnected reasons.” I know what I feel and I know what it feels like to be down…this is something else. And all I know is that I want it out, I want it as far from me as possible. Thinking more positively and exercising and “getting-out” more isn’t going to kill this, something else has to. And I swear, if someone tells me that I just need to “get-out” and “take it easy” one more time I am going to throw my TV out the window. To anyone who thinks that or has the nerve to say it, you have NO IDEA what this feels like. It’s not just “feeling a little down” it’s not “just a sad phase” it’s something that is completely and utterly unexplainable. If you’ve never experienced this then you have NO RIGHT to offer your half-hearted, pathetic advice. I had a dimwitted doctor tell me that the next time I feel sad that I should just think to myself, “I like my life, I want to stay here!”
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I hope her house burns down and she gets hit by a train.
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May sleep soon take me
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Currently Listening: Jordan Rudess – One Voice
