I think I would be fine if my days didn’t start on such bad notes. If perhaps I were in a good mood upon waking I might have the ability to keep my cool for the duration of the day. Right now, irritated. Overwhelmed because there’s too much to take care of, on both my end and my “family’s” end. Too many things already happening that don’t need more stress and worry. I feel extremely uncomfortable right now…I wish I were someone else, a different person entirely. Then I might find something to like about life.
I am constantly having the urge to say so much but never having the words, or will, to say it all. Like my head is spinning too fast to make sense of the words, my lips quivering too much to mouth those words properly. It comes out in silence…I think I speak more in silence than in actual speech, and I am the only one who knows this. I wish my days weren’t such struggles. Like right now, sitting here staring off and thinking a million different things but lacking the ability to type any of them out. It makes for such a miserable time, let me assure you.
And on top of everything, no one believes me.
Perhaps I really am losing my mind.
The counselor I’ve been seeing has expressed his opinion that I’m “just going through a low time.” He tells me “you lost your friend. I think it’s just some post-traumatic stress that you’re experiencing. Are we done now?”
Maybe we are…And it doesn’t help that my own family has, more or less, the same opinion. Thank you everyone for caring enough to hear my words, help me out in a time of need, and believing me when I say that “I’m not fine.”
Maybe I should stop writing my “feelings” in the form of a journal; when I write them within poetry it doesn’t sound so immature, at least not to my ears. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not delete ANY entry that I post. If I am feeling something enough to write it down then there should be no shame in writing it.
