1 am, still awake. Nothing unusual I suppose, nothing at all. I always promise myself, and my girlfriend, that I will “get to bed early” so I don’t end up sleeping all day. I almost always break that promise. Sleeping medication you say? Tried it, tried many. Nothing works like it should for me, they make me restless. Kind of contradictory, a sleeping pill that makes you restless:(
So I’ve been off work for close to six or seven months now, but nothing has gotten better. They told me to take a break and “find myself” after November. Not happening, I’m afraid. I’m no closer to finding myself than humanity is to finding its purpose. So I suppose it would be easier just to say, I am lost.
There are two people whom I wish would come to their senses about this whole ordeal, two siblings. One refuses to call and check up and the other insists on trading my life for money. Sad situation, not much I can do about it but bide my time. Biding time…hmm, not as easy as it sounds, Biding time only works until you start gasping for air at the bottom of the ocean, it won’t keep you alive. I am reaching for life in places where none is granted. At unspecified times it takes one of many forms but is always capable of accomplishing the same task. I find myself meandering around the idea, the feeling. It keeps me grounded, I think, however odd that may sound to your ears. It’s a recollection of why I’ve stayed here so long to begin with, it’s my short life flashing before my eyes. I look at pictures of myself often and imagine I were looking at a young man who has moved on, a person who couldn’t handle what life had thrown at him. The worst part of looking at that man in the picture is not knowing that it is me. I want to think that it is some other poor man who is lucky to not have to feel this way, that somehow he’s been spared. But I’m wrong, I’m always wrong when I look at his face. Always wrong when I ask him if it’s alright if I give up now, for he only responds in echoes.
Okay…Enough of the dreary, self-pity. I shouldn’t have even made a place for it in my thoughts, but still it always finds a way inside. Complaining has granted nothing to no one, that’s a life lesson for you. If you have problems it’s best to not share them with others, for they might stop listening, if you were lucky enough to have them listen to begin with. Everyone is built different, has different tolerances to pain, both mental and physical, but all share a deeper, broader fault that has incessantly been the cause of human sadness for untold generations: we have the ability to think and therefore, in thinking, we discover the ability to despair.
Currently Listening To: Sigur Rós – Viðrar vel til loftárása
